“All of the sudden, you were gone.”
It’s true. I vanished from the blogging world. I have no logical answer as to why. Writing nagged at the back of my mind since my last post back in 2017. For those who were tracking with me, I left you hanging. I disappeared with no ending. And I am sorry. The best explanation I have is, I got lost.
Lost. Not in the physical sense but in the emotional sense. I guess I expected more from my trip. I just expected it to be a stepping stone that it would lead me to the next “big thing.” Instead, it lead me back to where I started with seemingly no new direction of life.
Have you ever felt that way? Have you ever felt like you have spent a lot of time, effort and possibly money on something that felt really big just to be left with an anticlimactic ending? What do we do in those times? Where do our thought processes go? I can tell you where mine went…to frustration and depression.
I can honestly say that for the past year or two I have turned inward and battled emotions that I have not seen for over ten years. A well-traveled friend warned me, “There is an emotional cycle that comes with big travel experiences. First when you arrive home, you are readjusting to “old life” by getting reacquainted with family, friends and surroundings. Watch out for the two week, two month and six month markers. Disappointment and depression seem to show up unexpectedly.” How right she was.
At week two, I felt it. Since our conversation was still fresh in my mind I was able to draw from it, reminding myself that these feelings were simply part of the cycle. At two months, I felt it. My friend asked me how long it I had been home from backpacking and reminded me of the two month mark which allowed me to wait it out by drawing on the idea that again, this was simply part of the cycle. At six month, I felt it. Looking back, I got lost in internal panic.
I think all of us have common tendencies in our “internal panic.” As my wise mother would say, we have “well-worn cow paths of thought that take us quickly down a path without having to consciously think about it” until we wind up in a mental mess and really are not sure how we got there. One of my reoccurring thoughts (or well-worn cow paths) is “there has got to be more to life than this.” I am a very goal oriented person and if I am unable to figure out what the next step is, I panic. I scramble. I get internally lost. The result is making choices that do not line up with who I am and what I know I am called to.
I am not going to bore you with the details of what this last year or so has looked like in my panic mode. I do not have all the details of where this is headed but I am reclaiming the dream, picking up the torch of risk and going back to the world where I am called to be. I invite you to join me again we continue to discover what an amazing world this is.
“If you are intent on chasing a deep seeded dream God has planted in your life, chase with everything you have. If you get lost like I did, He has the ability and is faithful to bring you back on track.”
Adventure awaits. Let’s rise.